The truth is that it is really good quality and almost exactly what I would have written myself. I spent an hour tweaking it and adding in a few points that I wanted to make on top of the ones made, and generally making it look a little more like the previous style of ones I’ve handed in, and it’s ready to go.
I feel relieved in so many ways, but also guilty and ashamed at the same time. I was terrified of not being able to hand anything in, but now I’m going to be able to. Though it might not get me top marks, it keeps me in the game. The alternative might have been to just give up and walk away, but this has bought me just a little bit of breathing space to get my head sorted out.
But don’t think I’m guilt free about this. I thought long and hard about it and I’m not happy about it and I don’t intend making a habit of getting writing help. I don’t have to hand another essay in for a month, which gives me four weeks to try and get my head straight.
I had a lovely meal out and night away with my boyfriend and that has taken some of the stress off me. We talked and I actually came clean about the fact that I got some help with essay writing and although he was a bit shocked initially, he was supportive when he understood my emotions. I don’t think he quite realised the scale of my problems until that point.
So now I feel that I have got my boyfriend on my side for the first time in several months. Although I know he’s as ashamed as I am, I also know that he understands what I’m up against now and will support me a bit better perhaps in getting some help.
I really do have to get my head sorted out and I’m going to have to knuckle down for a little while. I think perhaps this blog might even be distracting me in a way. Although I’m finding it therapeutic in one way, I’m also finding that pouring out my heart and soul, and exposing my guilt online, even to people who will never understand or know who I am, is a little embarrassing.
So I’m going to use this blog as an outlet, but perhaps I’m not going to write here as often or as candidly as I have up until now. I think I need to focus more on essay writing than blog writing so that I don’t need to get help any more.