The writing I ordered has arrived and I feel guilty but happy

The truth is that it is really good quality and almost exactly what I would have written myself. I spent an hour tweaking it and adding in a few points that I wanted to make on top of the ones made, and generally making it look a little more like the previous style of ones I’ve handed in, and it’s ready to go.

I feel relieved in so many ways, but also guilty and ashamed at the same time. I was terrified of not being able to hand anything in, but now I’m going to be able to. Though it might not get me top marks, it keeps me in the game. The alternative might have been to just give up and walk away, but this has bought me just a little bit of breathing space to get my head sorted out.

But don’t think I’m guilt free about this. I thought long and hard about it and I’m not happy about it and I don’t intend making a habit of getting writing help. I don’t have to hand another essay in for a month, which gives me four weeks to try and get my head straight.

I had a lovely meal out and night away with my boyfriend and that has taken some of the stress off me. We talked and I actually came clean about the fact that I got some help with essay writing and although he was a bit shocked initially, he was supportive when he understood my emotions. I don’t think he quite realised the scale of my problems until that point.

So now I feel that I have got my boyfriend on my side for the first time in several months. Although I know he’s as ashamed as I am, I also know that he understands what I’m up against now and will support me a bit better perhaps in getting some help.

I really do have to get my head sorted out and I’m going to have to knuckle down for a little while. I think perhaps this blog might even be distracting me in a way. Although I’m finding it therapeutic in one way, I’m also finding that pouring out my heart and soul, and exposing my guilt online, even to people who will never understand or know who I am, is a little embarrassing.

So I’m going to use this blog as an outlet, but perhaps I’m not going to write here as often or as candidly as I have up until now. I think I need to focus more on essay writing than blog writing so that I don’t need to get help any more.

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Today I had a lovely surprise from my boyfriend

I’m writing this in a very excited state. It been absolutely ages since me and my boyfriend did something nice and tonight when he came home he said that he had booked us a lovely meal in a hotel and a night away as well.

I’m really looking forward to it, it’s only in a few nights time so it will be really really nice to do that and it’s completely out of the blue. If you’ve been reading my blog you will probably know that I have been feeling a bit down recently, and I’ve also been having mixed feelings about how my home study is going.

I’m doing a degree in between working, as a mature student, and I have been really struggling with keeping up with the pace of academic writing. It’s got so bad that I have actually been considering buying book report writing online. In fact, if I’m honest I have already made that decision and I’m going to get some writing help.

Is not going to be something I do all the time, but right at this moment in time I need the pressure taken off me before I go pop, so I’m just going to order a couple of pieces of writing, so that I can use them to complete the essays I have to do, I just need help with my essays right now in order to take some weight of my shoulders.

Doing that and having a lovely meal and night away should hopefully take the pressure off me enough for me to get a fresh mindset and start again. I’ve been really concerned that I can’t handle the pace and it’s starting to have a negative effect on me physically and emotionally, and obviously it can’t continue. I don’t want to burden my boyfriend with this problem so I have been bottling up and keeping it myself, which I’m obviously aware I cannot continue to do.

Anyway, I course have set the and I have to stay on that course now, so I’m going to just enjoy the time with my boyfriend away and I’m going to just be quiet about the writing help I have bought and use it as a springboard to do better for myself.

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The night in the park with my missing dog

This is not a blog post I was hoping to write. I was hoping to tell you I was feeling a lot better today after feeling really blue and down the other day about the possibility of ordering writing help online.

I have already spoken about my dilemma in paying for book report writing and I don’t want to go over that ground again, I just want to try move forward at this point, although I will again say that buying writing help is not something I am proud of.

But anyway, after doing some essay writing today, I went to take the dog for a walk this evening after tea. We were in the park and the dog suddenly bolted off across the park after a rabbit that was on the edge of the woods that go along one edge of the park. She disappeared and didn’t come out, and because it was getting dark I couldn’t go in and look for her, so I was was trapped in the situation of having to stand in the park and call her.

It was really quite dark by the time she came back. Nearly an hour later this was, and from a totally different direction. I think she must have run straight through the woods, circled the park and then come back in through the gate. Anyway, by the time I got home it was very late, and I didn’t have time to do any more report writing today.

So instead I’m taking 10 minutes to write this blog post to vent my frustrations at my dog. Although it’s not her fault, she’s just doing what instinct tells her to do, it’s just annoying that it happens tonight, when I don’t usually take her for a walk at all.

On a positive note my partner thought it was hilarious and seemed to be very happy that it hadn’t happened when he took her for a walk. Usually it’s him who takes the dog for a walk after we have eaten because I have to catch up with a bit more academic work and he likes to unwind before we go to bed, but tonight I said I would do it and it was a fateful decision.

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I’m not feeling particularly good about myself today

I’m really sorry but I’m going to get a bit deep and personal in this blog post. In fact, I’m not sure I should be writing it at all, but I suppose nobody I know will read it, so it doesn’t matter if my innermost thoughts come out.

Basically, I’m getting incredibly upset and anxious on the inside. I’m keeping it all together for my boyfriend and the people around me, but inside I feel like I’m falling to pieces. My university coursework is suffering and I’m panicking a bit.

I’m seeing everyone around me is selfish right now, and I’m not trusting people in the way I used to. Even my close friends seem a bit alienated from you. I’m really starting to feel anxious and paranoid. I’m not sleeping right and my work is suffering.

On top of that of got a real guilt me at the minute that I’m considering getting help with writing an academic paper I have to hand in soon. I’ve seen a site where I can just order writing help on that topic, with word count and even to the level it needs to be done. It isn’t cheap, but if it produces something I can edit and sending in a few hours, saving me the worry and hassle of a weeks worth of planning and stress, then I’m really ready to take it.

I know this is not right, but would just doing it once mean that I’m a bad person for life? If I don’t reach my goals in life because of this wobble I’m having emotionally, and therefore not producing work I can handing, should I have to put up with that? Especially if there are options out there?

I’m thinking of coming clean to my boyfriend and telling him what the problems are and what I’m thinking of doing in terms of getting help writing for my course by paying someone. But I know he’ll just tell me to calm down you go to the doctors and get writing. And I just don’t want to hear that right now. All I want to do is climb under the covers and never get out again.

I’m hoping that a good night sleep will work. So I’m getting all this anger, guilt and fear out onto my blog now and then I’m going to go and have a lay down and hope that tomorrow things will feel a lot better.

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I’m considering getting some professional writing help

I’ve been really struggling with my workload this term. I don’t find essay writing easy, I never did even at school.

My big problem is that I’m really struggling with book report writing. I’m not sure I understand the writing techniques required and I think it’s holding me back in producing the work I feel I can produce.

On top of that I’m having anxiety at the minute, and a bit of depression, which I have suffered from all my life. And on top of everything else, it’s making my mind wander and not allowing me to put myself into my writing 100%. I’m crippled by the worry that every time I hand something in that it is not good enough, which makes me procrastinate and makes the problem even worse.

So I’m ashamed to say that I’ve actually been looking online at buying some writing help, from a site like I didn’t realise until I started searching for resources that you can get people to write academic papers for you, for a fee.

Now I understand that this is cheating in a way. And I’m not saying I want to do it all the time, but I’m desperate. I’m going to the doctors to try and get on top of my depression through medication, I think. But in the short term I think over the next few months I’ve got to find a way out of this anxiety I am suffering.

I’m wondering if I could get someone to help me with the academic writing by ordering a paper on that topic that they have written. I could then edit it to put more of my own thoughts and angle to it, basically using it as a base to build on, to stop me panicking and struggling so much.

I know that this is not something I should be doing. I’m also aware that it’s going to cost money and I’m also aware that I will feel even worse doing it. But the alternative is that it’s going to get to the stage where I may not and in anything worthwhile at all and may even drop out.

I desperately want to be where I need to be in my life and I’m wondering if getting help with academic papers in the short term could help. I suppose another alternative would be to find somebody locally who could sit with me and help me to structure what I want to say. But I’m thinking this would be even more expensive and basically exactly the same as me ordering something and then editing it myself.

I’m in a bit of turmoil about this and I’m not sure what to do.

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Welcome to my fantastic new blog

This is the first blog post I have ever written and I’m hoping that it will be the beginning of helping me. I am a mature student but I am struggling in many ways, I am trying to juggle real life with my academic work. I’m in a bit of moral dilemma at the moment, which I will speak about more soon.

Although I have to say that now I am actually sitting here typing, I’m not exactly convinced that I know what I am meant to be saying!

But what I did feel is that it is time for me to get some of the things whirling round in my head out into the open. I feel that by allowing my thoughts to come out I can focus more on getting my brain focused on what I need to do, namely get myself to that degree.

I am a mature student and I am desperate to better myself. There are things I need to get better at, one of which is focus because I feel I am bottling things up. So I’m hoping this will work for me as an outlet valve. So I suppose what I’m saying is that I’m writing for me and not you or anyone else who might read this.

Having said that, I’m hoping to pass on some tips that I find helpful with my study. For example, I am really struggling with academic writing and I’m trying to find ways I can get help with that at the moment. I’m exploring all avenues in that respect because it’s getting me down.

Generally I have a great boyfriend and a great group of friends to rally around me and help. I have had a few issues with depression in my life and sometimes I feel isolated and alone, even in a group of people. This over time can eat away at me and sometimes stops me expressing myself properly. So another reason why I’m hoping that getting my thoughts out onto paper here will enable me to concentrate more.

So, that’s enough writing to you today. I’m going to cover something that had in my head for awhile, but I want to explore the topic because I know that emotionally and ethically I’m not sure it’s the right move, but with my head where it is I’m wondering if it’s the right thing for me to do to get where I need to be. More on that later.

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